The Glory of God Through The Death of Our Daughter

The image of NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY will forever be seared into the minds and hearts of Mary Michael and I.  On September 19, 2013 at 11:00am we went in for our regular, now weekly, checkup.  Our doctor had scheduled an ultra-sound to check on Margaret Anne’s weight and measurements.  We were anxious to see our girl again and find out how much weight she had gained since the previous checkup.  The tech was only a few minutes into the ultrasound when she excused herself and a few minutes later returned with our doctor.  In seeing him enter the room, MM and I immediately knew all was not well with our girl.  Within a few seconds he confirmed what the tech had seen.  There was no easy way of saying what MM and I already knew to be true.  The tech then quickly typed on the final photo: NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY.

Unless you’ve been in the situation before, words will utterly fail to describe the realization of this, our greatest fear.  The instant onslaught of emotions, fears, loss, anguish, grief, and questions is debilitating and nauseating.  All the prayers, dreams, and hopes we had for our girl felt shattered.  Hours of prayers by thousands of people from all over the world seemingly gone unanswered.  Fear crept in to every crack.  It was an immediate disorientation.  What do we do next?

After taking some time to compose ourselves alone, we met with our doctor to determine the next steps.  He informed us that we needed to induce labor as soon as possible.  Thus, after waiting around 20 hours for an open room in the Labor and Delivery ward, we’re finally here, walking through the final steps of parenting well our firstborn girl.

Margaret Anne lived for 36 ½ weeks.  Rarely has such short a life influenced so many thousands of people, all of whom have never met her.  Her story has traveled around the world and been read by over 18,500 people on our blog.   Something about Margaret Anne pierced all of our hearts to come before the Throne on her behalf.

Do not remember Margaret Anne as a sad tale of a life snuffed out to early or an example of a prayer gone unanswered.  Our daughter lived a wonderfully full life in her 36 ½ weeks.  She urged believers the world over to push on into the Throne room and behold the wonder that is God through prayer.  She spent her entire life for the sake of the Gospel and the glory of God.  God wrote, orchestrated, ordained, and predestined every glorious day of our daughter’s life.  If you have prayed for Margaret Anne, you’ve been part of this story.  You have participated in God’s plan to bring glory to Himself.  You have brushed up against the deepest mystery that is God.  Thank you for being part of weaving the tapestry of Margaret Anne’s life.

God entrusted to Mary Michael and me the eternal privilege of parenting such a unique life ordained to purely and wholly glorify Him alone.  As her father, I’m confident my heart will catch-up to what I know to be true.  From a heart of helplessness and from a loss of knowing how to father my little girl, I decided to build her what will be her only earthly home.  She doesn’t need it, but I do.  I needed to do something tangible for my daughter.  So, I built.  It’s just a simple box.  It’s not perfect in measurement or finish, but it represents all of the love, protection, and passion a father has for his daughter.  There isn’t another one on the planet like it, a fitting earthly home for my entirely unique, wonderful, deeply loved little girl.

I type this from the hospital room as Mary Michael rests between contractions.  These are the final hours we have with our precious girl.  We already miss her, horribly and deeply.  We know the days ahead will be terribly challenging.  YET, we are joyous and with weak, hurting hearts and faith hold fast to truth: Margaret Anne wouldn’t come back if she could.  She now sees fully what her mother and I only see in part.  She gazes with her own eyes on the glory of our Christ.  The Gospel is complete in her life: She has God.

Thank you for y'alls continued prayers for my family!

~ MDDIII

Will the Dust Praise You?

We apologize for the long time in between our last two blog posts. Life has continued moving forward and we have tried to continue to move with it. First, I wanted to give a quick update on little Margaret Anne. We went to our specialist a couple of weeks ago and got to see her on the ultrasound. She is continuing to grow though her weight has dropped off a little. She weighed 2lbs 13oz as of our appointment which was a little behind for her due date. Her wrists were still curled inward which is one of the hardest things for Marshall and I to see. Other than that, she seems to continue to be relatively clear from any major external complications or abnormalities. 

Obviously, the doctors are still "highly suspicious" of her having trisomy 18 as her blood work and her physical markers (bent wrists) both point to that. He also talked with us about the continued risk for stillbirth and presented us with a possible option to deliver early to try to prevent that. However, after meetings with our OB and the neonatologist, we believe the Lord is calling us to wait until both my body and our baby is ready for delivery. Inducing early had its appeal, mainly the fact we could finally control something, but we feel confident that God doesn't want us to seek to control but to continue to trust Him. This whole pregnancy has been about doing just that. 

As believers, what do we do in times of waiting and trusting? I have asked God this question many times over the last couple of months. I believe His response is that we praise Him. We continue to offer hearts of thanksgiving and gratitude in all things. In a time when all you want to do is cry, scream, and sleep until the time just passes by, this may seem counterintuitive. I believe it is only by the strength of the Lord we can hope to accomplish this. Psalm 30 has been a source of comfort and hope for me.

         "I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name." (Psalm 30:1-4)

You see even in the midst of our pain and our struggle, Christ-followers ALWAYS have a reason to sing praise! The Gospel is the good news that Jesus Christ has drawn us up and given us life eternal. We are no longer shackled and bound in the pit of sin and suffering. We have been healed of our sin and restored to life!

Not only do we have many reasons to praise, but I believe we are called to praise even in the midst of suffering. I used to have a saying with my girls at IMPACT 360. I called it "laying down in the bathtub and dying." Let me explain. My apartment served as a type of common room for the students, most specifically the ladies. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, my bathtub was a common place over the years to find my girls (fully clothed mind you) lying in my bathtub behind the curtain crying, reflecting, praying, and wallowing. When life got hard and they wanted to escape and hide (as Anne of Green Gables put it, "fall into the depths of depression") they would go lay in the bathtub. In talking sense back into them, I would tell them the truths of God's word, the hope they have in Christ, and the fact that as believers we are not called to go "lie down in the bathtub and die." We are not in a battle against flesh and blood. We are a threat to the dominion of darkness because of the Light that lives within us. 

During one of these pep talks a sweet girl revealed to me that she felt purposeless. As a believer, she felt she had nothing to offer to the world or to the kingdom of God. I told her if she never did another thing with her life, if she became paralyzed tomorrow and could literally do nothing but sit in a chair, her life had meaning and purpose because she is a worshipper of the Living God. Our enemy is a glory thief who wants all of humanity to bow down to him alone. He even tried to get Jesus to bow down to him! As believers, our lives are a living testament to the power of the resurrection, a proclamation of His glory, and a daily expression of worship and praise to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! 

During times of waiting and suffering we have to choose what we will do. My heart remembers the words of David in Psalm 30 - "What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?" The obvious answer is no. So what gives us the strength to rise up out of the bathtub, out of the dust, and praise Him? As redeemed Christ-followers, we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. We can choose to praise Him and tell of His faithfulness even when our outward circumstances may not look like He is praiseworthy or faithful. We can choose this because our soul knows the truth of the greatest form of healing any human can experience - the Gospel. It frees us from enslavement to sin and ourselves and gives the strength needed to rise up.

From dust we are made and to dust our bodies will one day return.  However, as believers here on earth the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in us. It is a living, moving, active power that calls us to rise and to praise: I am redeemed; I am set free; I am forgiven; I am loved; I am adopted; I am clothed with the righteousness of Christ! Even my time here on earth is not enough for me to tell of the vastness of His faithfulness or to praise Him for who He is and what He has done! There is no time to "lay down and die"! Let's not be silent dust settling in the bathtub. If there is one thing I get to teach Margaret Anne, even now, I hope it is how to praise her Savior even in the times when you don't feel that you have an ounce of strength left. 

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" (Psalm 30:11-12)

~ Mary Michael

Here is a video of a man who suffered much yet still found the strength to praise God and trust His holy name. Truly an inspiration! Watch to the end...it is very powerful!

Broken Praise

The Shunammite Woman - A Woman Who Believed In Miracles

How strong is your faith? What is the object of your faith?

Lately I have come to understand a whole new dimension of my faith, or rather the areas of my heart that are still filled with doubt. I often ask Marshall, "Do you still think God can heal our little girl?" To which he always replies, "Yes I do." After I asked him this question one night, I told him that I was clinging to the hope that the doctors had given us a 1% chance that she may not have trisomy 18. He swiftly turned his head and looked at me and said, "Our hope is not in the 1% chance they have given us or that the blood tests could be wrong. Our hope is that God has the power if He so chooses to heal her. If she is born perfectly healthy we will attribute that to a healing from God, not a medical mistake." This took me by surprise as I began to examine my heart and realize I had more faith at believing there could be a medical mistake than that God could totally heal Margaret Anne. In that moment I was so ashamed of my feeble faith in the God I know and love. I think with my nursing background I am overly aware of the realities of blood tests and DNA testing. I felt that I could put my faith in medicine and when that allowed for uncertainty then I was allotted my 1% hope of error. Marshall sat there beside me holding me in his arms and gently said, "Even if the tests were 100% sure she has this, we still have 100% chance of God performing a miracle. He is not limited by medicine." At this my heart broke and the tears began to fall freely onto my husband's shoulder. How could I not have seen this mountain of doubt in my heart and mind? Marshall's last thoughts on the subject have not quit replaying daily through my mind. He simply stated, "You have been sitting in a one-legged chair hoping it holds you up when you could have been sitting in a four-legged chair. I don't know about you but I like my odds a lot better in the four-legged chair!" 

As I have thought about miracles and faith the last week or so, I have gone back to a small story I love in 2 Kings 4 about the Shunammite woman. I found this story in the Old Testament years ago and proudly proclaimed that I wanted to be a woman of faith like this Shunammite woman. How far I have to go! She is such a small character that we don't even get her name but her story speaks for itself. Elisha the prophet passes through a small town and this woman, full of hospitality and discernment, invites him to dine with them. Later, she tells her husband that she recognizes him as a man of God and she makes preparations in her house for him to stay there whenever he passes through the town. Elisha is so overwhelmed with her generosity that he wants to give her something in return. She was a woman of great contentment and the only thing she desired was a son but her husband was old and it seemed impossible. The prophet tells her within the year she would embrace a son. Just as with Sarah, the impossible happened and she had a son. When the child was older, he developed a strange illness and died suddenly on his mother's lap. She immediately saddled up her horse and tells her husband, "All is well", and goes to find Elisha and tell him what has happened. Just as she had recognized Elisha as a man of God, she recognized that her only hope in this hopeless situation was in the God whom Elisha served. He is God of the impossible. He is God "who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (Romans 4:17) Eventually, Elisha returns with her to the house and brings the boy back to life. Truly, God performed a miracle that defied medical science, human understanding, or even 1% chances. 

The point of this story is not a name it and claim it miracle for Margaret Anne. The point of this story is the object of our faith (specifically my faith) and how even as a believer He continues to strengthen that faith. Even if Margaret Anne has trisomy 18 and does not live on this earth for long, the object of our faith, Jesus Christ, is still bigger and more powerful than medicine. He is greater than suffering, illness, and disease. His all encompassing grace is extensive enough for a young couple who may experience the loss of a child barely a year into their marriage. He is the only worthy object of ALL my hope and faith. I am so thankful for a strong, godly husband by my side for the journey who speaks truth into my life, holds me in my guilt and shame, and loves me enough to help me grow in my faith. Sometimes when Marshall looks me in the eyes I tell him I see the eyes of Jesus looking back at me. That night Jesus met me in my doubt and spoke tenderly to my heart through my husband. What a sweet reminder that our God is still in the business of miracles and that while we sit in the waiting room of His grace, He gives us a four-legged chair to sit in. 

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 
1 Peter 1:6-7

~ Mary Michael

Already Not Yet - Gospel Hope

I'm relatively positive I only had a day or two left before Mary Michael changed the name of our blog to www.mary.com.  In all seriousness, we have been amazed and humbled by the responses we've received since starting this blog.  We started it as a way to communicate to our family and friends updates about Margaret Anne.  It has far exceeded that to become a source of great encouragement to us, a way to put onto "paper" the lessons we're learning, and a way to experience afresh the Body of Christ as y'all have sent emails, texts, facebook messages, and cards.  So, thank you for caring about a single, unborn life... the life of my first-born daughter.  Mary Michael and I know that each individual reading these posts also has their own prayer requests, fears, challenges, and struggles.  It's so humbling to know y'all are joining us in ours, even in the midst of your own.

I have been tasked by my bride with providing the latest update from our most recent doctor's appointment.  Now, I don't yet claim to be a marriage expert, having barely reached the one year mark.  However, I have discovered a key secret to this crazy venture: do what I'm told and with a smile on my face and flowers in my hand.  So far so good; we are pregnant after all!  So without further ado...

As we entered our now overly familiar doctors office we were prepared and even expecting the worst. Somewhere along the way we've grown into this tendency.  Perhaps it's coping; perhaps it's cracks in our faith or both.  Regardless, we had been praying for some sort of good news.  Specifically, my bride had been praying for several things: that Margaret Anne's weight would still be on track, that her heart and kidneys would be without defects, and that her facial features would appear normal and measure correctly.

After enduring the typical wait, we were finally ushered back into the unnecessarily cold ultrasound room.  By this time, Mary Michael and I were both simply trying to maintain our composure, sweating with anxiety.  I had noticed that the machine they had us on was different than last time.  In a vain attempt at easing our nerves I asked the tech about it.  Her answer was priceless. We were on the "skinny girl" machine.  It was a relief we all needed.  Even pregnant, and despite her proclamations to the contrary, my bride was still considered medically skinny.

After a painfully long exam, Dr. Allen informed us that Margaret Anne was on track, or at least as on track as a T18 baby could be.  Her weight, although low, was technically in the "normal range".  Her heart was absolutely perfect.  Her kidneys were pristine and her face, as evidenced on the 3D images, was measuring and looking good.  She had hair on her head, 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot!  Dr. Allen went on to explain that our girl still had 99% positive T18 tests and that she was still at serious risk.  However, there were no new complications with her physical development.

As you might be now, we too were wondering what to think about it all.  I was even frustrated, not now knowing what to think!  We were expecting more bad news, more positive test results, more evidence that our time with our girl was running out and drawing short.  Yet, God through your prayers, His goodness, and even my doubts gave us a kiss of grace.  I was prepared to yet again stumble out of the doctors office, fighting back the tears until I was safely inside our car.  Instead, I sat looking at my wife so very, very thankful, repentant for my lack of faith, and rejoicing that the bride I married believes in praying, and in praying a very specific prayer.

Margaret Anne still has the markers and DNA blood tests confirming T18.  Her little wrists are still bent.  A new development is that her amniotic fluid level is slightly elevated.  We remain at a very high risk (50% of T18 babies) for a still birth.  However, today I was once again given the gift of feeling my little girl kick.  Each of her movements is a token of God's grace to me.  In the smallness of Margaret Anne's movements I'm reminded of the grandeur of our Creator.  Each ultrasound is a chance to see the life with which God has entrusted to me.

Before going to bed each night I take time to press my face against Mary Michael's medically skinny belly and talk to, sing to, listen to, and feel my girl.  These moments are so precious, as I realize this could be my only time with her.  It's for time that I'm praying.  Be it a lifetime through a miraculous healing or for hours after her birth, I just want to know her and hold her alive.  I desperately want to bring her home to be her Dad.  

It's in these deepest, selfish cries of my heart that I'm confronted by my own theology.  Margaret Anne is not mine.  My hope cannot be in the doctors being wrong or even God providing a miracle.  The only hope we have is in the Gospel and the redemptive plan of God.  She is a gift, entrusted to my bride and me for a time.  The amount of time is not for me to decide.  God is good because He is ontologically good, not because He seems to be good to me and grants me time.  

I realize that I'm rubbing up against the already-not yet reality of God's redemptive work.  With Paul in I Corinthians 15, I look back at the cross in repentance, faith, and gratitude for being set free from my sin and alive in Christ.  Yet, I also look ahead to His returning with rejoicing and yearning when all things will be reconciled to Himself.  Sin and its effects will be no more as creation is restored and death defeated.  Trisomy 18 will be no more.  I'll embrace a healthy Margaret Anne and I'll hold her and know her more fully alive than I even am now.  In the shadow of Christ's throne my bride and I will worship the Creator alongside our daughter; her wrists stretched fully out in worship.  Until this time, we hold on to the hope that is within (I Peter. 3:15).  Restoration is just around the corner.  God is good!

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:  'Death is swallowed up in victory.  O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?'" (I Cor. 15: 54-55)

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." (Rev. 21: 3b-4)

~ MDDIII

Door progress....  We (MD3) are so close to finally being finished.  MM is anxiously awaiting its completion!  She hasn't yet come to appreciate the process. :)

Hagar - A Woman Who Was Seen

Scared. Betrayed. Unloved. Hopeless. Desperate. Filled with Grief. Invisible. 

Have you been there before? Can you relate to any of those feelings? It can be a place of utter despair, of utter darkness and loneliness. Most of us can recall a time where the cry of our heart echoed that of King David in the 22nd Psalm, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” 

My first experience with this kind of soul-anguish was the year after I graduated from college. Here I was educated by one of the best nursing schools in the Southeast, given my dream job in L&D at my first choice of hospital, and guaranteed a beautiful path before my feet. What could go wrong? My NCLEX test results came back with a word I had not had much experience with during my schooling - FAILED. I was devastated, confused, and dazed. I worked in the hospital as a nurse extern and prepared to take my test again. I did everything I knew to do to study for it and six months later I was able to take it again - FAILED. The confusion that had filled my heart for six months was replaced by one overwhelming feeling, anger. How could this happen? Where was the Lord? All my friends were nurses now, not to mention getting married, having babies, and buying houses. Why was I the one that had been singled out? Did the Lord just not see me anymore? I felt small. Insignificant. Invisible. 

Throughout that year (I refer to it as my dark year), my mom continued to tell me that the Lord had a plan. If He was saying no to nursing for now He was going to say yes to something else. In fact, she kept telling me she believed the Lord had an urgent task for me somewhere else. Ha! What a joke. I had been sidelined for a year, what could possibly be urgent about that? And then it came one day. The phone call that changed my life and my faith. There was a small Christian gap-year program, IMPACT 360, that desperately needed a female to come live on campus and mentor their students and they wanted me! Within two weeks I had applied, interviewed, packed my belongings and moved to Pine Mountain, Georgia on an “urgent” call. That place and those people changed my life forever. My students taught me about God in ways I could never have imagined. We all grew to love His Gospel more as we experienced His grace and love and community. I met my husband there. But what’s more than that, the Lord met me there! He healed my broken, angry, sin-filled heart and reminded me just how seen I was! He had not forgotten me but indeed He had set me apart for such a time as this. It was a bigger adventure and more perfect plan than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to make sure I never forgot this lesson. So I did a crazy thing with one of my sweet students who also needed to remember some pretty big lessons and victories in her life - I got a tattoo.  

As I prayed about what to get permanently “inked” on my body, there was only one thing that seemed to make sense, EL ROI. This would be my declaration. It is a name of God that can be found in the book of Genesis and it means, “The God who sees me”. The Lord is first called this name by a woman named Hagar. A woman who felt scared, betrayed, unloved, hopeless, desperate, filled with grief, and most of all invisible. She was a good servant-hearted girl who had done what had been asked of her and now was being mistreated because of it. After she flees the scene, the Lord meets her and speaks tenderly to her. He reminds her that HE SEES HER. 

How does this story tie in to our current situation? Hagar was a pregnant woman desperately needing to know the Lord saw her and had not forgotten her. Marshall and I now sit here pregnant with a very sick baby and a choice.  We can flee the scene scared, hopeless, desperate, and angry.  Or, we can remember the lesson I imprinted on my body and soul.  We can choose to believe that we are seen and that our Margaret Anne is seen by the same El Roi who saw Hagar.

In the living room of our home hangs this sign made by one of my students.  It serves to remind our family and friends that God sees us and is faithful even in our darkest of moments.

There is no irony or coincidence with the Lord. There is the truth that His will is perfect, His omniscience complete, His sovereignty comprehensive, and His grace abundant. He knew that I would fail my nursing exams, that I would work at IMPACT 360, and that my Margaret Anne would be sick. He knew years ago that I would be a pregnant woman with El Roi tattooed on my wrist. He knew that a day was soon approaching when I would desperately need to trust this truth.

He has met me in darkness before and He has told my heart years ago that my declaration shall be that I serve a God who sees. From the lips of one scared pregnant woman thousands of years ago to the wrist and heart of another, we raise our voices and say, “You are a God of seeing...Truly I have seen Him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

~ Mary Michael

Sneak peak progress on the aforementioned door:

Before.....

Currently....