The Glory of God Through The Death of Our Daughter

The image of NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY will forever be seared into the minds and hearts of Mary Michael and I.  On September 19, 2013 at 11:00am we went in for our regular, now weekly, checkup.  Our doctor had scheduled an ultra-sound to check on Margaret Anne’s weight and measurements.  We were anxious to see our girl again and find out how much weight she had gained since the previous checkup.  The tech was only a few minutes into the ultrasound when she excused herself and a few minutes later returned with our doctor.  In seeing him enter the room, MM and I immediately knew all was not well with our girl.  Within a few seconds he confirmed what the tech had seen.  There was no easy way of saying what MM and I already knew to be true.  The tech then quickly typed on the final photo: NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY.

Unless you’ve been in the situation before, words will utterly fail to describe the realization of this, our greatest fear.  The instant onslaught of emotions, fears, loss, anguish, grief, and questions is debilitating and nauseating.  All the prayers, dreams, and hopes we had for our girl felt shattered.  Hours of prayers by thousands of people from all over the world seemingly gone unanswered.  Fear crept in to every crack.  It was an immediate disorientation.  What do we do next?

After taking some time to compose ourselves alone, we met with our doctor to determine the next steps.  He informed us that we needed to induce labor as soon as possible.  Thus, after waiting around 20 hours for an open room in the Labor and Delivery ward, we’re finally here, walking through the final steps of parenting well our firstborn girl.

Margaret Anne lived for 36 ½ weeks.  Rarely has such short a life influenced so many thousands of people, all of whom have never met her.  Her story has traveled around the world and been read by over 18,500 people on our blog.   Something about Margaret Anne pierced all of our hearts to come before the Throne on her behalf.

Do not remember Margaret Anne as a sad tale of a life snuffed out to early or an example of a prayer gone unanswered.  Our daughter lived a wonderfully full life in her 36 ½ weeks.  She urged believers the world over to push on into the Throne room and behold the wonder that is God through prayer.  She spent her entire life for the sake of the Gospel and the glory of God.  God wrote, orchestrated, ordained, and predestined every glorious day of our daughter’s life.  If you have prayed for Margaret Anne, you’ve been part of this story.  You have participated in God’s plan to bring glory to Himself.  You have brushed up against the deepest mystery that is God.  Thank you for being part of weaving the tapestry of Margaret Anne’s life.

God entrusted to Mary Michael and me the eternal privilege of parenting such a unique life ordained to purely and wholly glorify Him alone.  As her father, I’m confident my heart will catch-up to what I know to be true.  From a heart of helplessness and from a loss of knowing how to father my little girl, I decided to build her what will be her only earthly home.  She doesn’t need it, but I do.  I needed to do something tangible for my daughter.  So, I built.  It’s just a simple box.  It’s not perfect in measurement or finish, but it represents all of the love, protection, and passion a father has for his daughter.  There isn’t another one on the planet like it, a fitting earthly home for my entirely unique, wonderful, deeply loved little girl.

I type this from the hospital room as Mary Michael rests between contractions.  These are the final hours we have with our precious girl.  We already miss her, horribly and deeply.  We know the days ahead will be terribly challenging.  YET, we are joyous and with weak, hurting hearts and faith hold fast to truth: Margaret Anne wouldn’t come back if she could.  She now sees fully what her mother and I only see in part.  She gazes with her own eyes on the glory of our Christ.  The Gospel is complete in her life: She has God.

Thank you for y'alls continued prayers for my family!

~ MDDIII

Will the Dust Praise You?

We apologize for the long time in between our last two blog posts. Life has continued moving forward and we have tried to continue to move with it. First, I wanted to give a quick update on little Margaret Anne. We went to our specialist a couple of weeks ago and got to see her on the ultrasound. She is continuing to grow though her weight has dropped off a little. She weighed 2lbs 13oz as of our appointment which was a little behind for her due date. Her wrists were still curled inward which is one of the hardest things for Marshall and I to see. Other than that, she seems to continue to be relatively clear from any major external complications or abnormalities. 

Obviously, the doctors are still "highly suspicious" of her having trisomy 18 as her blood work and her physical markers (bent wrists) both point to that. He also talked with us about the continued risk for stillbirth and presented us with a possible option to deliver early to try to prevent that. However, after meetings with our OB and the neonatologist, we believe the Lord is calling us to wait until both my body and our baby is ready for delivery. Inducing early had its appeal, mainly the fact we could finally control something, but we feel confident that God doesn't want us to seek to control but to continue to trust Him. This whole pregnancy has been about doing just that. 

As believers, what do we do in times of waiting and trusting? I have asked God this question many times over the last couple of months. I believe His response is that we praise Him. We continue to offer hearts of thanksgiving and gratitude in all things. In a time when all you want to do is cry, scream, and sleep until the time just passes by, this may seem counterintuitive. I believe it is only by the strength of the Lord we can hope to accomplish this. Psalm 30 has been a source of comfort and hope for me.

         "I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name." (Psalm 30:1-4)

You see even in the midst of our pain and our struggle, Christ-followers ALWAYS have a reason to sing praise! The Gospel is the good news that Jesus Christ has drawn us up and given us life eternal. We are no longer shackled and bound in the pit of sin and suffering. We have been healed of our sin and restored to life!

Not only do we have many reasons to praise, but I believe we are called to praise even in the midst of suffering. I used to have a saying with my girls at IMPACT 360. I called it "laying down in the bathtub and dying." Let me explain. My apartment served as a type of common room for the students, most specifically the ladies. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, my bathtub was a common place over the years to find my girls (fully clothed mind you) lying in my bathtub behind the curtain crying, reflecting, praying, and wallowing. When life got hard and they wanted to escape and hide (as Anne of Green Gables put it, "fall into the depths of depression") they would go lay in the bathtub. In talking sense back into them, I would tell them the truths of God's word, the hope they have in Christ, and the fact that as believers we are not called to go "lie down in the bathtub and die." We are not in a battle against flesh and blood. We are a threat to the dominion of darkness because of the Light that lives within us. 

During one of these pep talks a sweet girl revealed to me that she felt purposeless. As a believer, she felt she had nothing to offer to the world or to the kingdom of God. I told her if she never did another thing with her life, if she became paralyzed tomorrow and could literally do nothing but sit in a chair, her life had meaning and purpose because she is a worshipper of the Living God. Our enemy is a glory thief who wants all of humanity to bow down to him alone. He even tried to get Jesus to bow down to him! As believers, our lives are a living testament to the power of the resurrection, a proclamation of His glory, and a daily expression of worship and praise to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! 

During times of waiting and suffering we have to choose what we will do. My heart remembers the words of David in Psalm 30 - "What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?" The obvious answer is no. So what gives us the strength to rise up out of the bathtub, out of the dust, and praise Him? As redeemed Christ-followers, we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. We can choose to praise Him and tell of His faithfulness even when our outward circumstances may not look like He is praiseworthy or faithful. We can choose this because our soul knows the truth of the greatest form of healing any human can experience - the Gospel. It frees us from enslavement to sin and ourselves and gives the strength needed to rise up.

From dust we are made and to dust our bodies will one day return.  However, as believers here on earth the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in us. It is a living, moving, active power that calls us to rise and to praise: I am redeemed; I am set free; I am forgiven; I am loved; I am adopted; I am clothed with the righteousness of Christ! Even my time here on earth is not enough for me to tell of the vastness of His faithfulness or to praise Him for who He is and what He has done! There is no time to "lay down and die"! Let's not be silent dust settling in the bathtub. If there is one thing I get to teach Margaret Anne, even now, I hope it is how to praise her Savior even in the times when you don't feel that you have an ounce of strength left. 

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" (Psalm 30:11-12)

~ Mary Michael

Here is a video of a man who suffered much yet still found the strength to praise God and trust His holy name. Truly an inspiration! Watch to the end...it is very powerful!

Broken Praise