The Glory of God Through The Death of Our Daughter

The image of NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY will forever be seared into the minds and hearts of Mary Michael and I.  On September 19, 2013 at 11:00am we went in for our regular, now weekly, checkup.  Our doctor had scheduled an ultra-sound to check on Margaret Anne’s weight and measurements.  We were anxious to see our girl again and find out how much weight she had gained since the previous checkup.  The tech was only a few minutes into the ultrasound when she excused herself and a few minutes later returned with our doctor.  In seeing him enter the room, MM and I immediately knew all was not well with our girl.  Within a few seconds he confirmed what the tech had seen.  There was no easy way of saying what MM and I already knew to be true.  The tech then quickly typed on the final photo: NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY.

Unless you’ve been in the situation before, words will utterly fail to describe the realization of this, our greatest fear.  The instant onslaught of emotions, fears, loss, anguish, grief, and questions is debilitating and nauseating.  All the prayers, dreams, and hopes we had for our girl felt shattered.  Hours of prayers by thousands of people from all over the world seemingly gone unanswered.  Fear crept in to every crack.  It was an immediate disorientation.  What do we do next?

After taking some time to compose ourselves alone, we met with our doctor to determine the next steps.  He informed us that we needed to induce labor as soon as possible.  Thus, after waiting around 20 hours for an open room in the Labor and Delivery ward, we’re finally here, walking through the final steps of parenting well our firstborn girl.

Margaret Anne lived for 36 ½ weeks.  Rarely has such short a life influenced so many thousands of people, all of whom have never met her.  Her story has traveled around the world and been read by over 18,500 people on our blog.   Something about Margaret Anne pierced all of our hearts to come before the Throne on her behalf.

Do not remember Margaret Anne as a sad tale of a life snuffed out to early or an example of a prayer gone unanswered.  Our daughter lived a wonderfully full life in her 36 ½ weeks.  She urged believers the world over to push on into the Throne room and behold the wonder that is God through prayer.  She spent her entire life for the sake of the Gospel and the glory of God.  God wrote, orchestrated, ordained, and predestined every glorious day of our daughter’s life.  If you have prayed for Margaret Anne, you’ve been part of this story.  You have participated in God’s plan to bring glory to Himself.  You have brushed up against the deepest mystery that is God.  Thank you for being part of weaving the tapestry of Margaret Anne’s life.

God entrusted to Mary Michael and me the eternal privilege of parenting such a unique life ordained to purely and wholly glorify Him alone.  As her father, I’m confident my heart will catch-up to what I know to be true.  From a heart of helplessness and from a loss of knowing how to father my little girl, I decided to build her what will be her only earthly home.  She doesn’t need it, but I do.  I needed to do something tangible for my daughter.  So, I built.  It’s just a simple box.  It’s not perfect in measurement or finish, but it represents all of the love, protection, and passion a father has for his daughter.  There isn’t another one on the planet like it, a fitting earthly home for my entirely unique, wonderful, deeply loved little girl.

I type this from the hospital room as Mary Michael rests between contractions.  These are the final hours we have with our precious girl.  We already miss her, horribly and deeply.  We know the days ahead will be terribly challenging.  YET, we are joyous and with weak, hurting hearts and faith hold fast to truth: Margaret Anne wouldn’t come back if she could.  She now sees fully what her mother and I only see in part.  She gazes with her own eyes on the glory of our Christ.  The Gospel is complete in her life: She has God.

Thank you for y'alls continued prayers for my family!

~ MDDIII

Will the Dust Praise You?

We apologize for the long time in between our last two blog posts. Life has continued moving forward and we have tried to continue to move with it. First, I wanted to give a quick update on little Margaret Anne. We went to our specialist a couple of weeks ago and got to see her on the ultrasound. She is continuing to grow though her weight has dropped off a little. She weighed 2lbs 13oz as of our appointment which was a little behind for her due date. Her wrists were still curled inward which is one of the hardest things for Marshall and I to see. Other than that, she seems to continue to be relatively clear from any major external complications or abnormalities. 

Obviously, the doctors are still "highly suspicious" of her having trisomy 18 as her blood work and her physical markers (bent wrists) both point to that. He also talked with us about the continued risk for stillbirth and presented us with a possible option to deliver early to try to prevent that. However, after meetings with our OB and the neonatologist, we believe the Lord is calling us to wait until both my body and our baby is ready for delivery. Inducing early had its appeal, mainly the fact we could finally control something, but we feel confident that God doesn't want us to seek to control but to continue to trust Him. This whole pregnancy has been about doing just that. 

As believers, what do we do in times of waiting and trusting? I have asked God this question many times over the last couple of months. I believe His response is that we praise Him. We continue to offer hearts of thanksgiving and gratitude in all things. In a time when all you want to do is cry, scream, and sleep until the time just passes by, this may seem counterintuitive. I believe it is only by the strength of the Lord we can hope to accomplish this. Psalm 30 has been a source of comfort and hope for me.

         "I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name." (Psalm 30:1-4)

You see even in the midst of our pain and our struggle, Christ-followers ALWAYS have a reason to sing praise! The Gospel is the good news that Jesus Christ has drawn us up and given us life eternal. We are no longer shackled and bound in the pit of sin and suffering. We have been healed of our sin and restored to life!

Not only do we have many reasons to praise, but I believe we are called to praise even in the midst of suffering. I used to have a saying with my girls at IMPACT 360. I called it "laying down in the bathtub and dying." Let me explain. My apartment served as a type of common room for the students, most specifically the ladies. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, my bathtub was a common place over the years to find my girls (fully clothed mind you) lying in my bathtub behind the curtain crying, reflecting, praying, and wallowing. When life got hard and they wanted to escape and hide (as Anne of Green Gables put it, "fall into the depths of depression") they would go lay in the bathtub. In talking sense back into them, I would tell them the truths of God's word, the hope they have in Christ, and the fact that as believers we are not called to go "lie down in the bathtub and die." We are not in a battle against flesh and blood. We are a threat to the dominion of darkness because of the Light that lives within us. 

During one of these pep talks a sweet girl revealed to me that she felt purposeless. As a believer, she felt she had nothing to offer to the world or to the kingdom of God. I told her if she never did another thing with her life, if she became paralyzed tomorrow and could literally do nothing but sit in a chair, her life had meaning and purpose because she is a worshipper of the Living God. Our enemy is a glory thief who wants all of humanity to bow down to him alone. He even tried to get Jesus to bow down to him! As believers, our lives are a living testament to the power of the resurrection, a proclamation of His glory, and a daily expression of worship and praise to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! 

During times of waiting and suffering we have to choose what we will do. My heart remembers the words of David in Psalm 30 - "What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness?" The obvious answer is no. So what gives us the strength to rise up out of the bathtub, out of the dust, and praise Him? As redeemed Christ-followers, we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. We can choose to praise Him and tell of His faithfulness even when our outward circumstances may not look like He is praiseworthy or faithful. We can choose this because our soul knows the truth of the greatest form of healing any human can experience - the Gospel. It frees us from enslavement to sin and ourselves and gives the strength needed to rise up.

From dust we are made and to dust our bodies will one day return.  However, as believers here on earth the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in us. It is a living, moving, active power that calls us to rise and to praise: I am redeemed; I am set free; I am forgiven; I am loved; I am adopted; I am clothed with the righteousness of Christ! Even my time here on earth is not enough for me to tell of the vastness of His faithfulness or to praise Him for who He is and what He has done! There is no time to "lay down and die"! Let's not be silent dust settling in the bathtub. If there is one thing I get to teach Margaret Anne, even now, I hope it is how to praise her Savior even in the times when you don't feel that you have an ounce of strength left. 

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" (Psalm 30:11-12)

~ Mary Michael

Here is a video of a man who suffered much yet still found the strength to praise God and trust His holy name. Truly an inspiration! Watch to the end...it is very powerful!

Broken Praise

The Shunammite Woman - A Woman Who Believed In Miracles

How strong is your faith? What is the object of your faith?

Lately I have come to understand a whole new dimension of my faith, or rather the areas of my heart that are still filled with doubt. I often ask Marshall, "Do you still think God can heal our little girl?" To which he always replies, "Yes I do." After I asked him this question one night, I told him that I was clinging to the hope that the doctors had given us a 1% chance that she may not have trisomy 18. He swiftly turned his head and looked at me and said, "Our hope is not in the 1% chance they have given us or that the blood tests could be wrong. Our hope is that God has the power if He so chooses to heal her. If she is born perfectly healthy we will attribute that to a healing from God, not a medical mistake." This took me by surprise as I began to examine my heart and realize I had more faith at believing there could be a medical mistake than that God could totally heal Margaret Anne. In that moment I was so ashamed of my feeble faith in the God I know and love. I think with my nursing background I am overly aware of the realities of blood tests and DNA testing. I felt that I could put my faith in medicine and when that allowed for uncertainty then I was allotted my 1% hope of error. Marshall sat there beside me holding me in his arms and gently said, "Even if the tests were 100% sure she has this, we still have 100% chance of God performing a miracle. He is not limited by medicine." At this my heart broke and the tears began to fall freely onto my husband's shoulder. How could I not have seen this mountain of doubt in my heart and mind? Marshall's last thoughts on the subject have not quit replaying daily through my mind. He simply stated, "You have been sitting in a one-legged chair hoping it holds you up when you could have been sitting in a four-legged chair. I don't know about you but I like my odds a lot better in the four-legged chair!" 

As I have thought about miracles and faith the last week or so, I have gone back to a small story I love in 2 Kings 4 about the Shunammite woman. I found this story in the Old Testament years ago and proudly proclaimed that I wanted to be a woman of faith like this Shunammite woman. How far I have to go! She is such a small character that we don't even get her name but her story speaks for itself. Elisha the prophet passes through a small town and this woman, full of hospitality and discernment, invites him to dine with them. Later, she tells her husband that she recognizes him as a man of God and she makes preparations in her house for him to stay there whenever he passes through the town. Elisha is so overwhelmed with her generosity that he wants to give her something in return. She was a woman of great contentment and the only thing she desired was a son but her husband was old and it seemed impossible. The prophet tells her within the year she would embrace a son. Just as with Sarah, the impossible happened and she had a son. When the child was older, he developed a strange illness and died suddenly on his mother's lap. She immediately saddled up her horse and tells her husband, "All is well", and goes to find Elisha and tell him what has happened. Just as she had recognized Elisha as a man of God, she recognized that her only hope in this hopeless situation was in the God whom Elisha served. He is God of the impossible. He is God "who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist." (Romans 4:17) Eventually, Elisha returns with her to the house and brings the boy back to life. Truly, God performed a miracle that defied medical science, human understanding, or even 1% chances. 

The point of this story is not a name it and claim it miracle for Margaret Anne. The point of this story is the object of our faith (specifically my faith) and how even as a believer He continues to strengthen that faith. Even if Margaret Anne has trisomy 18 and does not live on this earth for long, the object of our faith, Jesus Christ, is still bigger and more powerful than medicine. He is greater than suffering, illness, and disease. His all encompassing grace is extensive enough for a young couple who may experience the loss of a child barely a year into their marriage. He is the only worthy object of ALL my hope and faith. I am so thankful for a strong, godly husband by my side for the journey who speaks truth into my life, holds me in my guilt and shame, and loves me enough to help me grow in my faith. Sometimes when Marshall looks me in the eyes I tell him I see the eyes of Jesus looking back at me. That night Jesus met me in my doubt and spoke tenderly to my heart through my husband. What a sweet reminder that our God is still in the business of miracles and that while we sit in the waiting room of His grace, He gives us a four-legged chair to sit in. 

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 
1 Peter 1:6-7

~ Mary Michael

Already Not Yet - Gospel Hope

I'm relatively positive I only had a day or two left before Mary Michael changed the name of our blog to www.mary.com.  In all seriousness, we have been amazed and humbled by the responses we've received since starting this blog.  We started it as a way to communicate to our family and friends updates about Margaret Anne.  It has far exceeded that to become a source of great encouragement to us, a way to put onto "paper" the lessons we're learning, and a way to experience afresh the Body of Christ as y'all have sent emails, texts, facebook messages, and cards.  So, thank you for caring about a single, unborn life... the life of my first-born daughter.  Mary Michael and I know that each individual reading these posts also has their own prayer requests, fears, challenges, and struggles.  It's so humbling to know y'all are joining us in ours, even in the midst of your own.

I have been tasked by my bride with providing the latest update from our most recent doctor's appointment.  Now, I don't yet claim to be a marriage expert, having barely reached the one year mark.  However, I have discovered a key secret to this crazy venture: do what I'm told and with a smile on my face and flowers in my hand.  So far so good; we are pregnant after all!  So without further ado...

As we entered our now overly familiar doctors office we were prepared and even expecting the worst. Somewhere along the way we've grown into this tendency.  Perhaps it's coping; perhaps it's cracks in our faith or both.  Regardless, we had been praying for some sort of good news.  Specifically, my bride had been praying for several things: that Margaret Anne's weight would still be on track, that her heart and kidneys would be without defects, and that her facial features would appear normal and measure correctly.

After enduring the typical wait, we were finally ushered back into the unnecessarily cold ultrasound room.  By this time, Mary Michael and I were both simply trying to maintain our composure, sweating with anxiety.  I had noticed that the machine they had us on was different than last time.  In a vain attempt at easing our nerves I asked the tech about it.  Her answer was priceless. We were on the "skinny girl" machine.  It was a relief we all needed.  Even pregnant, and despite her proclamations to the contrary, my bride was still considered medically skinny.

After a painfully long exam, Dr. Allen informed us that Margaret Anne was on track, or at least as on track as a T18 baby could be.  Her weight, although low, was technically in the "normal range".  Her heart was absolutely perfect.  Her kidneys were pristine and her face, as evidenced on the 3D images, was measuring and looking good.  She had hair on her head, 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot!  Dr. Allen went on to explain that our girl still had 99% positive T18 tests and that she was still at serious risk.  However, there were no new complications with her physical development.

As you might be now, we too were wondering what to think about it all.  I was even frustrated, not now knowing what to think!  We were expecting more bad news, more positive test results, more evidence that our time with our girl was running out and drawing short.  Yet, God through your prayers, His goodness, and even my doubts gave us a kiss of grace.  I was prepared to yet again stumble out of the doctors office, fighting back the tears until I was safely inside our car.  Instead, I sat looking at my wife so very, very thankful, repentant for my lack of faith, and rejoicing that the bride I married believes in praying, and in praying a very specific prayer.

Margaret Anne still has the markers and DNA blood tests confirming T18.  Her little wrists are still bent.  A new development is that her amniotic fluid level is slightly elevated.  We remain at a very high risk (50% of T18 babies) for a still birth.  However, today I was once again given the gift of feeling my little girl kick.  Each of her movements is a token of God's grace to me.  In the smallness of Margaret Anne's movements I'm reminded of the grandeur of our Creator.  Each ultrasound is a chance to see the life with which God has entrusted to me.

Before going to bed each night I take time to press my face against Mary Michael's medically skinny belly and talk to, sing to, listen to, and feel my girl.  These moments are so precious, as I realize this could be my only time with her.  It's for time that I'm praying.  Be it a lifetime through a miraculous healing or for hours after her birth, I just want to know her and hold her alive.  I desperately want to bring her home to be her Dad.  

It's in these deepest, selfish cries of my heart that I'm confronted by my own theology.  Margaret Anne is not mine.  My hope cannot be in the doctors being wrong or even God providing a miracle.  The only hope we have is in the Gospel and the redemptive plan of God.  She is a gift, entrusted to my bride and me for a time.  The amount of time is not for me to decide.  God is good because He is ontologically good, not because He seems to be good to me and grants me time.  

I realize that I'm rubbing up against the already-not yet reality of God's redemptive work.  With Paul in I Corinthians 15, I look back at the cross in repentance, faith, and gratitude for being set free from my sin and alive in Christ.  Yet, I also look ahead to His returning with rejoicing and yearning when all things will be reconciled to Himself.  Sin and its effects will be no more as creation is restored and death defeated.  Trisomy 18 will be no more.  I'll embrace a healthy Margaret Anne and I'll hold her and know her more fully alive than I even am now.  In the shadow of Christ's throne my bride and I will worship the Creator alongside our daughter; her wrists stretched fully out in worship.  Until this time, we hold on to the hope that is within (I Peter. 3:15).  Restoration is just around the corner.  God is good!

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:  'Death is swallowed up in victory.  O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?'" (I Cor. 15: 54-55)

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." (Rev. 21: 3b-4)

~ MDDIII

Door progress....  We (MD3) are so close to finally being finished.  MM is anxiously awaiting its completion!  She hasn't yet come to appreciate the process. :)

Hagar - A Woman Who Was Seen

Scared. Betrayed. Unloved. Hopeless. Desperate. Filled with Grief. Invisible. 

Have you been there before? Can you relate to any of those feelings? It can be a place of utter despair, of utter darkness and loneliness. Most of us can recall a time where the cry of our heart echoed that of King David in the 22nd Psalm, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” 

My first experience with this kind of soul-anguish was the year after I graduated from college. Here I was educated by one of the best nursing schools in the Southeast, given my dream job in L&D at my first choice of hospital, and guaranteed a beautiful path before my feet. What could go wrong? My NCLEX test results came back with a word I had not had much experience with during my schooling - FAILED. I was devastated, confused, and dazed. I worked in the hospital as a nurse extern and prepared to take my test again. I did everything I knew to do to study for it and six months later I was able to take it again - FAILED. The confusion that had filled my heart for six months was replaced by one overwhelming feeling, anger. How could this happen? Where was the Lord? All my friends were nurses now, not to mention getting married, having babies, and buying houses. Why was I the one that had been singled out? Did the Lord just not see me anymore? I felt small. Insignificant. Invisible. 

Throughout that year (I refer to it as my dark year), my mom continued to tell me that the Lord had a plan. If He was saying no to nursing for now He was going to say yes to something else. In fact, she kept telling me she believed the Lord had an urgent task for me somewhere else. Ha! What a joke. I had been sidelined for a year, what could possibly be urgent about that? And then it came one day. The phone call that changed my life and my faith. There was a small Christian gap-year program, IMPACT 360, that desperately needed a female to come live on campus and mentor their students and they wanted me! Within two weeks I had applied, interviewed, packed my belongings and moved to Pine Mountain, Georgia on an “urgent” call. That place and those people changed my life forever. My students taught me about God in ways I could never have imagined. We all grew to love His Gospel more as we experienced His grace and love and community. I met my husband there. But what’s more than that, the Lord met me there! He healed my broken, angry, sin-filled heart and reminded me just how seen I was! He had not forgotten me but indeed He had set me apart for such a time as this. It was a bigger adventure and more perfect plan than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to make sure I never forgot this lesson. So I did a crazy thing with one of my sweet students who also needed to remember some pretty big lessons and victories in her life - I got a tattoo.  

As I prayed about what to get permanently “inked” on my body, there was only one thing that seemed to make sense, EL ROI. This would be my declaration. It is a name of God that can be found in the book of Genesis and it means, “The God who sees me”. The Lord is first called this name by a woman named Hagar. A woman who felt scared, betrayed, unloved, hopeless, desperate, filled with grief, and most of all invisible. She was a good servant-hearted girl who had done what had been asked of her and now was being mistreated because of it. After she flees the scene, the Lord meets her and speaks tenderly to her. He reminds her that HE SEES HER. 

How does this story tie in to our current situation? Hagar was a pregnant woman desperately needing to know the Lord saw her and had not forgotten her. Marshall and I now sit here pregnant with a very sick baby and a choice.  We can flee the scene scared, hopeless, desperate, and angry.  Or, we can remember the lesson I imprinted on my body and soul.  We can choose to believe that we are seen and that our Margaret Anne is seen by the same El Roi who saw Hagar.

In the living room of our home hangs this sign made by one of my students.  It serves to remind our family and friends that God sees us and is faithful even in our darkest of moments.

There is no irony or coincidence with the Lord. There is the truth that His will is perfect, His omniscience complete, His sovereignty comprehensive, and His grace abundant. He knew that I would fail my nursing exams, that I would work at IMPACT 360, and that my Margaret Anne would be sick. He knew years ago that I would be a pregnant woman with El Roi tattooed on my wrist. He knew that a day was soon approaching when I would desperately need to trust this truth.

He has met me in darkness before and He has told my heart years ago that my declaration shall be that I serve a God who sees. From the lips of one scared pregnant woman thousands of years ago to the wrist and heart of another, we raise our voices and say, “You are a God of seeing...Truly I have seen Him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

~ Mary Michael

Sneak peak progress on the aforementioned door:

Before.....

Currently....

Mary - A Woman of Surrender

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” ~ Proverbs 16:9

For some reason the women of the Bible have become so alive to me and their stories have taken on a whole new meaning in my life during this season. Perhaps it is because many of them are stories of pregnant women, of mothers. God is using these women thousands of years later to teach me, to comfort me, and to remind me of the truths of who He is. 

One of the Biblical women who has been especially on my heart this week is Mary, the mother of Jesus. A word that the Lord has given Marshall and me during this time is “surrender”. I believe Mary is one of the most beautiful examples of surrender in the Bible (besides the man she raised who was the ultimate picture of surrender). Here is this young girl in the prime years of her life about to embark on the joys of marriage. I am sure she was planning her life in her mind and was so excited about the things to come. “Here is my picture perfect life playing out exactly how I always dreamed! I am marrying a good man. Then we will have children and raise them to love the Lord. I will spend my life being a mom and taking care of my family.” But suddenly the Lord steps in and says, “I have different plans for you Mary. Your life will look differently than you dreamed and hoped for. I am putting a fork in the road of your plans so that you may fulfill MY plans for you.” And what does Mary do? How does she respond? Does she run away and say no to His plans? Does she pound her fists to the ground and say, “Why me? Why now?” No. This woman of surrender responds, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” Essentially, “I am a servant of the Lord. I will willingly surrender my plans for His plans.” 

As you can imagine, this is a time of roller coaster emotions and feelings. Some days I feel strong and walk through the day as normally as if everything were going smoothly with our baby. Other days I seem strong and then Marshall and I will be walking through WalMart and I burst into tears. Or, I take frustrations out on my husband because I am angry and I need to be angry at someone. But one of the feelings that Satan throws up in my face most often is that I am less than other pregnant women. I recognize this feeling as a lie but it often plagues me none the less. We have decided to put a nursery and showers on hold so I am not doing the typical “mom-to-be activities”. Sometimes I stop at a baby store and walk around and pick out what I would buy or register for just to feel for a minute like a normal new mom. One of the hardest things about a diagnosis like this is the look people often want to give you. It is a look I believe of genuine sympathy and sorrow for the road you are having to walk. I imagine it is much like the look people give others when they have been diagnosed with cancer. But to be a pregnant woman, walking through a time when people are usually excited and happy for you, it just seems counterintuitive to receive this look. 

This too makes me think about Mary. What kind of looks did she receive? What kind of feelings did she face while she was pregnant? She was engaged but not married and now found herself pregnant?! And what’s more is she believes that she conceived this child from God. I am sure she had days of feeling less than other pregnant women. Yet she walked the road set before her faithfully as a servant of the Living God. 

A dear friend of mine, Meredith, painted a canvas for me when we were in college. It has “Mary’s verse” on it - Luke 1:38. “Behold, I am a servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”  This canvas still hangs in my house today. As I have looked at that canvas everyday recently the Lord has asked my heart, “Will you respond with this same kind of surrender as Mary? Will you too live out Mary’s verse?” 

The other day as I was spending time with the Lord, I was led to read from the devotional book, “Streams in the Desert”. That day’s entry could not have been more clearly written to speak to my heart. Go to the July 16 entry if you would like to read the devotion in its entirety. It begins with these verses, “Because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will...make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky...because you have obeyed me.” (Genesis 22:16-18) The first sentence of the devotion after these verses said, “From the time of Abraham, people have been learning that when they obey God’s voice and surrender to Him whatever they hold most precious, He multiplies it thousands of times...The moment of your greatest sacrifice will also be the precise moment of your greatest and most miraculous blessing.” 

The miraculous blessing Marshall and I have been receiving at this point is the way in which God has called us even more into Himself. He has taken our attention from nurseries, showers, registries, baby clothes, and maternity pictures and has fixed our gaze solely on Him. The time and energy we would have spent devoted to these things is now going to prayer times, quiet times, reading scripture, praying with friends, and giving praise to God. The miraculous blessing is more of Him. Our faith is being exercised and our spiritual life is growing. In this we are being richly blessed.

One of the phrases the Lord has placed in my heart regarding Mary is “Life that is truly Life”. That is what was growing inside of her. That is what she birthed. She did not “miss out on life” because of the Lord’s plans for her but she gave birth to Life that is truly Life.  God spoke to my heart one day as I was crying out to Him for Margaret Anne and He said, “Maybe her life was created to give Life that is truly Life. Maybe her birth is to birth something bigger in me and in Marshall and in all who see. Maybe in her life we will take hold of the Life that is truly Life.” 

So as my feeble heart tries to process this very big thing the Lord has called us to walk in, I am comforted by His voice calling me unto Himself. I try to crush Satan’s lies and attempts to discourage by remembering the truth - I am not missing out on “life” by walking this different road. I call to mind Mary and think about the Life that is truly Life. Margaret Anne is serving as a telescope in my life and in the life of all who will look and see the beautiful Life she was created to reflect!

~ Mary Michael

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” - Isaiah 43:19

Sarah - A Woman of Faith

Many of us know the story of Abraham and Sarah. As her husband Abraham faithfully followed God’s calling to a new land, she followed. When God made a promise to Abraham that he would be the Father of many nations it seemed impossible because of their age. But Hebrews 11:11 says, “By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.” Incredible faith. Incredibly faithful Father. But what I have often found interesting is 1 Peter 3’s words about Sarah. Have you ever read the first part of that chapter stacked with wisdom and goodness for women? 

1 Peter 3:1-7 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Great stuff in there! The curious part to me comes at the end of verse 6. “And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Do good - I understand that part. And do not fear anything that is frightening? That seems like a tall order, especially for a woman! Especially for a mother! It reminds me of the Proverbs 31 woman who “laughs at the time to come”. She is not afraid or fearful of what may happen. What incredible strength. Where does it come from? One commentator suggests that the word “fear” in 1 Peter 3:6 is related to the words used in Proverbs 3:25-26. “Do not be afraid of sudden terror or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” The Lord your God will be your confidence. That is where that strength comes from. Sarah knew the same thing the Proverbs 31 woman knew -the One who holds her “foot” and keeps it from being caught. What incredible faith and trust. I want to have that Sarah faith and trust.

I am by nature a worrier. I am a mom at heart who loves taking care of others and looking out for their best interests (aka worrying about others). By the time I was three I was already “mothering” my poor younger sister, Meg. By 13 I was given the nickname “Mama Mary” by my peers at school. By the age of 26 I had been entrusted with 83 students that I was to mother ;) mentor, guide, and assume a type of guardianship for. However, once I became pregnant I realized that by assuming this “mothering role” I often have a tendency to protect, comfort, and guide out of my own ability or strength rather than point to the Protector, Comforter, and Guide. Early in my pregnancy I found myself constantly worrying about this baby. How could I care for and protect this little one that I couldn’t even see? Was I gaining enough weight? Too much? Eating the wrong things? I constantly worried about having a miscarriage. Then one day while I was running, in the middle of my worry, I heard the Lord speak to my heart. He said,  “If you cannot trust me with this little one who is still unborn, how will you ever trust me with your children once they are born?” That became a turning point for me. Although I still would worry some (and definitely have the last month and a half), those words ring through my heart. If I say I trust Him with my whole life and being, am I living that out and actively choosing to trust Him both with things I have control over and can see, and with those that I don’t have control over and can’t see? Am I trusting Him with my whole life and being, including the one inside of me?

I am learning about trust and submission. At first I was frustrated that God would tell me to trust Him with this little life and then once I did for her to be given such a grim diagnosis. It felt harsh and mean. How could God do that? Slowly He has revealed to me that maybe the trust He wants to teach me about is deeper. It is deeper than circumstances. It is deeper than what medicine can and can’t do or predict. It is deeper than my understanding. It is deeper even than life or death. It is an eternal trust. A heaven-minded trust. A bigger picture trust. It is a Sarah trust. A dear college friend of mine, Britney Moore recently sent me a quote from Rick Warren. “I do not have to know why everything happens, since I know God is good, He loves me, and life on Earth is not the whole story.” Margaret Anne is part of a bigger story. Her life here on Earth is but a mere shadow of the Life for which we are living. As her parents, the most we can do is give her back. We selfishly hope and pray that her life on earth is long and will be spent giving praise and glory to God. However, if her life here is only a few hours or days or even spent just inside of me, we pray that those days will be precious and spent for the sake of the Gospel and the glory of God. I’m not laughing at the time to come yet, but I do have a quiet smile inside. I know who holds my “foot” and Margaret Anne’s.

~Mary Michael

“By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.”
-Hebrews 11:9-10  

Projects = Therapy

For the past two weeks my wonderful, talented, selfless, gift of a man has been helping me work on several projects around our house! Since we have decided to put the nursery on hold for now I needed something to DO. When I sit my mind runs and often not to the most helpful places. For those of you who know me well, some of my favorite things to do are to shop antiques, paint furniture, decorate, and create. I explained to a friend the other day that while I have been grieving and have been in my "hibernation stage" my house has felt dirty, dark, and stagnant. A couple of weeks ago I felt the Lord telling me it was time to fling open the curtains, let the sunshine in, clean up the dust and make it smell good again. Essentially, to bring life back into our home and back into my heart. I have been buzzing around putting plug-ins in the wall, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the furniture and cleaning out the refrigerator. When Marshall and I got married we were fortunate enough to each have several pieces of furniture we could "make work" as we started our new home together. We have still not bought a single piece of furniture for our home (though I have my eye on a beautiful antique vanity I am saving up for) ;) So I got the brilliant idea that it was time to at least make our furniture match / coordinate! Here is a glimpse of some of our pieces we have re-done. We have several more in the works and I will post as soon as we get them all set back up!

Ok so I am not the greatest at taking before pictures so I don't have one for this project. I get so excited to start them that I totally forget! Oops :) This is a little side table in our living room. Marshall's parents originally bought it with several other matching pieces from a garage sale in the 70's! It had been stripped down to the solid wood and we painted it this happy yellow (Arles by Annie Sloan Chalk Paint) and distressed her just a little. We love the finished product!

No before picture for this either. It was a honking old antique mirror my grandmother Joiner gave me. Originally it had this chipping, old gold frame and my grandmother couldn't believe I actually wanted it! Here she is all painted up and distressed (Old White color in Annie Sloan Chalk Paint with dark wax). This will go above my dresser in our bedroom. She is old and beautiful just how I like things!

I will leave you with one before picture I actually remembered to take! Stay tuned for what this greasy old door is becoming. :)

~Mary Michael

 "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,“Awake, O sleeper and arise from the dead, and Christ will 

Count it all joy...

“It will be my joy to say your will, your way.”

“You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.”

“You give and take away but my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord.”

These are all lyrics to praise and worship songs I have loved and sang “wholeheartedly” many times. When these words become your reality, when you are asked to give something back to the Lord, something you hold dear, these words take on new meaning. They are painful to sing. They can be painful even to hear. Yet I know as tears choke me and my cracking voice barely whispers these words, they are more real to me than they have ever been before. As my faith is put to the test and my heart is exposed before the Lord, true worship occurs. 

On a day full of anticipation and plans for a celebratory party that evening, we received the news that has shaken us to the core.  As we waited patiently for the doctor to come in after our gender ultrasound, we made our final guesses: boy or girl? My mind was racing with nursery ideas, smocked outfits, monogrammed initials, and baby shower plans. The new doctor we were seeing quickly marched in flipping through her charts and said, “Now who are y’all again? Ah yes. The baby who has prominent ventricles.” My heart stopped. What? Prominent ventricles? No one had told us this before. We had a normal, healthy pregnancy as far as we had been told! What did this mean? As I choked out questions, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. Tears began stinging my eyes. The doctor listed off possibilities for what this could mean for our baby. Down syndrome. Stroke. Hydrocephalus. Trisomy 18. I went to nursing school so I knew the realities of these conditions, especially the last one - Trisomy 18. I remember studying this as clear as day because it was the one condition I was petrified my baby might have one day. It had the most complications and the poorest prognosis. The text books deemed it “incompatible with life.” The room began to spin. She told us that we would be referred to a perinatal specialist in Atlanta and they would try to get us in as quickly as possible. Our day of celebration quickly came to an abrupt crash. Suddenly we were faced with decisions, "Do we still have a gender reveal party with my family? Do we need to put everything on hold until we know more? How do we move forward?"

That night we chose to celebrate. Our incredible nurse practitioner encouraged us by saying, “There is still a life inside of you to celebrate and it is a boy or a girl.” We found out that evening that inside of me is our sweet Margaret Anne. The little girl I have prayed for since I was a little girl. I have had her name picked out for over 15 years. Growing up I have prayed for my future children but she has always been the only one I have prayed for by name. My first daughter was always going to be Margaret Anne. And she is here. Marshall asked me if I still wanted to give my specially chosen name to this sweet little girl. I simply replied, “that is her name.” 

The next day Marshall and I drove to Marietta to meet our new specialist. I cried the whole way into the office. It was a big, fancy speciality center, the kind of wing you see for cancer patients, heart patients, or other serious medical conditions. I was overwhelmed with the fact that this is where we were. Our baby girl needed this kind of speciality care. As our doctor performed our level II ultrasound he showed us the “prominent ventricles” that were actually choroid plexus cysts on her brain. He also pointed out her clenched fists. Both were signs of my biggest fear, Trisomy 18. He explained that 50% of t-18 babies either pass away in utero or are born as stillbirths. The other 50% usually do not live more than a few hours, days, or weeks. As we sat in Dr. Allen’s office discussing our options, it became apparent that many families choose to abort these kind of babies. We quickly assured Dr. Allen that for us that was not an option. We chose to wait for our genetic screening test results to come back before we did any other type of testing. We waited several days for these results to give us a little more clarity. Negative for down syndrome. Negative for cystic fibrosis. Positive for trisomy 18. I grieved all over again. I hurt in ways I did not know I could hurt. We decided to go with an advanced level DNA blood test that is relatively new but considered highly accurate. It is also much less invasive than an amniocentesis or CVS testing. We waited ten days to get these results back and we prayed and prayed and prayed. Marshall spoke to the doctor and delivered the news to me - positive for trisomy 18. Once more I grieved with my whole heart. I felt as though any shred of hope I had left was snatched away. 

None of these tests are considered 100% diagnostic tests. Only an amniocentesis can properly diagnose trisomy 18 in utero. However, with all of these tests giving the same result, the ultrasound confirming it, and the high risk associated with amnio, we feel this is the closest we can come to a diagnosis without endangering our sweet girl more. It does mean we will live the next 3-4 months waiting. Waiting and praying with every breath that we take. Praying for a miracle, praying for some kind of good news, praying for the unthinkable, but also praying that our frail hearts will continue to trust in Christ no matter what the end result may be. Medicine has all but confirmed 100% that our Margaret Anne will indeed have trisomy 18. While we wait and cry and pray and seek to continue moving forward we know that we serve a God who is in the business of defying the odds. He works in the realm of the 1% chance. We trust that He has the power to heal our little girl if He so chooses. As one of our dear pastors from First Presbyterian prayed over our little girl, “Lord we know that you can. We are asking that you would. But we are trusting in your will.” This is the heart cry of our family right now. Just as Jesus prayed in the garden, we ask the Lord to take this cup from us. To take it from our long desired Margaret Anne. But we end it by saying, “Not our will Lord but Your will be done.” 

It will be my joy to say your will, your way.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

~ Mary Michael