Hagar - A Woman Who Was Seen

Scared. Betrayed. Unloved. Hopeless. Desperate. Filled with Grief. Invisible. 

Have you been there before? Can you relate to any of those feelings? It can be a place of utter despair, of utter darkness and loneliness. Most of us can recall a time where the cry of our heart echoed that of King David in the 22nd Psalm, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” 

My first experience with this kind of soul-anguish was the year after I graduated from college. Here I was educated by one of the best nursing schools in the Southeast, given my dream job in L&D at my first choice of hospital, and guaranteed a beautiful path before my feet. What could go wrong? My NCLEX test results came back with a word I had not had much experience with during my schooling - FAILED. I was devastated, confused, and dazed. I worked in the hospital as a nurse extern and prepared to take my test again. I did everything I knew to do to study for it and six months later I was able to take it again - FAILED. The confusion that had filled my heart for six months was replaced by one overwhelming feeling, anger. How could this happen? Where was the Lord? All my friends were nurses now, not to mention getting married, having babies, and buying houses. Why was I the one that had been singled out? Did the Lord just not see me anymore? I felt small. Insignificant. Invisible. 

Throughout that year (I refer to it as my dark year), my mom continued to tell me that the Lord had a plan. If He was saying no to nursing for now He was going to say yes to something else. In fact, she kept telling me she believed the Lord had an urgent task for me somewhere else. Ha! What a joke. I had been sidelined for a year, what could possibly be urgent about that? And then it came one day. The phone call that changed my life and my faith. There was a small Christian gap-year program, IMPACT 360, that desperately needed a female to come live on campus and mentor their students and they wanted me! Within two weeks I had applied, interviewed, packed my belongings and moved to Pine Mountain, Georgia on an “urgent” call. That place and those people changed my life forever. My students taught me about God in ways I could never have imagined. We all grew to love His Gospel more as we experienced His grace and love and community. I met my husband there. But what’s more than that, the Lord met me there! He healed my broken, angry, sin-filled heart and reminded me just how seen I was! He had not forgotten me but indeed He had set me apart for such a time as this. It was a bigger adventure and more perfect plan than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to make sure I never forgot this lesson. So I did a crazy thing with one of my sweet students who also needed to remember some pretty big lessons and victories in her life - I got a tattoo.  

As I prayed about what to get permanently “inked” on my body, there was only one thing that seemed to make sense, EL ROI. This would be my declaration. It is a name of God that can be found in the book of Genesis and it means, “The God who sees me”. The Lord is first called this name by a woman named Hagar. A woman who felt scared, betrayed, unloved, hopeless, desperate, filled with grief, and most of all invisible. She was a good servant-hearted girl who had done what had been asked of her and now was being mistreated because of it. After she flees the scene, the Lord meets her and speaks tenderly to her. He reminds her that HE SEES HER. 

How does this story tie in to our current situation? Hagar was a pregnant woman desperately needing to know the Lord saw her and had not forgotten her. Marshall and I now sit here pregnant with a very sick baby and a choice.  We can flee the scene scared, hopeless, desperate, and angry.  Or, we can remember the lesson I imprinted on my body and soul.  We can choose to believe that we are seen and that our Margaret Anne is seen by the same El Roi who saw Hagar.

In the living room of our home hangs this sign made by one of my students.  It serves to remind our family and friends that God sees us and is faithful even in our darkest of moments.

There is no irony or coincidence with the Lord. There is the truth that His will is perfect, His omniscience complete, His sovereignty comprehensive, and His grace abundant. He knew that I would fail my nursing exams, that I would work at IMPACT 360, and that my Margaret Anne would be sick. He knew years ago that I would be a pregnant woman with El Roi tattooed on my wrist. He knew that a day was soon approaching when I would desperately need to trust this truth.

He has met me in darkness before and He has told my heart years ago that my declaration shall be that I serve a God who sees. From the lips of one scared pregnant woman thousands of years ago to the wrist and heart of another, we raise our voices and say, “You are a God of seeing...Truly I have seen Him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

~ Mary Michael