Door progress....  We (MD3) are so close to finally being finished.  MM is anxiously awaiting its completion!  She hasn't yet come to appreciate the process. :)

Hagar - A Woman Who Was Seen

Scared. Betrayed. Unloved. Hopeless. Desperate. Filled with Grief. Invisible. 

Have you been there before? Can you relate to any of those feelings? It can be a place of utter despair, of utter darkness and loneliness. Most of us can recall a time where the cry of our heart echoed that of King David in the 22nd Psalm, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” 

My first experience with this kind of soul-anguish was the year after I graduated from college. Here I was educated by one of the best nursing schools in the Southeast, given my dream job in L&D at my first choice of hospital, and guaranteed a beautiful path before my feet. What could go wrong? My NCLEX test results came back with a word I had not had much experience with during my schooling - FAILED. I was devastated, confused, and dazed. I worked in the hospital as a nurse extern and prepared to take my test again. I did everything I knew to do to study for it and six months later I was able to take it again - FAILED. The confusion that had filled my heart for six months was replaced by one overwhelming feeling, anger. How could this happen? Where was the Lord? All my friends were nurses now, not to mention getting married, having babies, and buying houses. Why was I the one that had been singled out? Did the Lord just not see me anymore? I felt small. Insignificant. Invisible. 

Throughout that year (I refer to it as my dark year), my mom continued to tell me that the Lord had a plan. If He was saying no to nursing for now He was going to say yes to something else. In fact, she kept telling me she believed the Lord had an urgent task for me somewhere else. Ha! What a joke. I had been sidelined for a year, what could possibly be urgent about that? And then it came one day. The phone call that changed my life and my faith. There was a small Christian gap-year program, IMPACT 360, that desperately needed a female to come live on campus and mentor their students and they wanted me! Within two weeks I had applied, interviewed, packed my belongings and moved to Pine Mountain, Georgia on an “urgent” call. That place and those people changed my life forever. My students taught me about God in ways I could never have imagined. We all grew to love His Gospel more as we experienced His grace and love and community. I met my husband there. But what’s more than that, the Lord met me there! He healed my broken, angry, sin-filled heart and reminded me just how seen I was! He had not forgotten me but indeed He had set me apart for such a time as this. It was a bigger adventure and more perfect plan than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to make sure I never forgot this lesson. So I did a crazy thing with one of my sweet students who also needed to remember some pretty big lessons and victories in her life - I got a tattoo.  

As I prayed about what to get permanently “inked” on my body, there was only one thing that seemed to make sense, EL ROI. This would be my declaration. It is a name of God that can be found in the book of Genesis and it means, “The God who sees me”. The Lord is first called this name by a woman named Hagar. A woman who felt scared, betrayed, unloved, hopeless, desperate, filled with grief, and most of all invisible. She was a good servant-hearted girl who had done what had been asked of her and now was being mistreated because of it. After she flees the scene, the Lord meets her and speaks tenderly to her. He reminds her that HE SEES HER. 

How does this story tie in to our current situation? Hagar was a pregnant woman desperately needing to know the Lord saw her and had not forgotten her. Marshall and I now sit here pregnant with a very sick baby and a choice.  We can flee the scene scared, hopeless, desperate, and angry.  Or, we can remember the lesson I imprinted on my body and soul.  We can choose to believe that we are seen and that our Margaret Anne is seen by the same El Roi who saw Hagar.

In the living room of our home hangs this sign made by one of my students.  It serves to remind our family and friends that God sees us and is faithful even in our darkest of moments.

There is no irony or coincidence with the Lord. There is the truth that His will is perfect, His omniscience complete, His sovereignty comprehensive, and His grace abundant. He knew that I would fail my nursing exams, that I would work at IMPACT 360, and that my Margaret Anne would be sick. He knew years ago that I would be a pregnant woman with El Roi tattooed on my wrist. He knew that a day was soon approaching when I would desperately need to trust this truth.

He has met me in darkness before and He has told my heart years ago that my declaration shall be that I serve a God who sees. From the lips of one scared pregnant woman thousands of years ago to the wrist and heart of another, we raise our voices and say, “You are a God of seeing...Truly I have seen Him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

~ Mary Michael

Sneak peak progress on the aforementioned door:

Before.....

Currently....

Mary - A Woman of Surrender

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” ~ Proverbs 16:9

For some reason the women of the Bible have become so alive to me and their stories have taken on a whole new meaning in my life during this season. Perhaps it is because many of them are stories of pregnant women, of mothers. God is using these women thousands of years later to teach me, to comfort me, and to remind me of the truths of who He is. 

One of the Biblical women who has been especially on my heart this week is Mary, the mother of Jesus. A word that the Lord has given Marshall and me during this time is “surrender”. I believe Mary is one of the most beautiful examples of surrender in the Bible (besides the man she raised who was the ultimate picture of surrender). Here is this young girl in the prime years of her life about to embark on the joys of marriage. I am sure she was planning her life in her mind and was so excited about the things to come. “Here is my picture perfect life playing out exactly how I always dreamed! I am marrying a good man. Then we will have children and raise them to love the Lord. I will spend my life being a mom and taking care of my family.” But suddenly the Lord steps in and says, “I have different plans for you Mary. Your life will look differently than you dreamed and hoped for. I am putting a fork in the road of your plans so that you may fulfill MY plans for you.” And what does Mary do? How does she respond? Does she run away and say no to His plans? Does she pound her fists to the ground and say, “Why me? Why now?” No. This woman of surrender responds, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” Essentially, “I am a servant of the Lord. I will willingly surrender my plans for His plans.” 

As you can imagine, this is a time of roller coaster emotions and feelings. Some days I feel strong and walk through the day as normally as if everything were going smoothly with our baby. Other days I seem strong and then Marshall and I will be walking through WalMart and I burst into tears. Or, I take frustrations out on my husband because I am angry and I need to be angry at someone. But one of the feelings that Satan throws up in my face most often is that I am less than other pregnant women. I recognize this feeling as a lie but it often plagues me none the less. We have decided to put a nursery and showers on hold so I am not doing the typical “mom-to-be activities”. Sometimes I stop at a baby store and walk around and pick out what I would buy or register for just to feel for a minute like a normal new mom. One of the hardest things about a diagnosis like this is the look people often want to give you. It is a look I believe of genuine sympathy and sorrow for the road you are having to walk. I imagine it is much like the look people give others when they have been diagnosed with cancer. But to be a pregnant woman, walking through a time when people are usually excited and happy for you, it just seems counterintuitive to receive this look. 

This too makes me think about Mary. What kind of looks did she receive? What kind of feelings did she face while she was pregnant? She was engaged but not married and now found herself pregnant?! And what’s more is she believes that she conceived this child from God. I am sure she had days of feeling less than other pregnant women. Yet she walked the road set before her faithfully as a servant of the Living God. 

A dear friend of mine, Meredith, painted a canvas for me when we were in college. It has “Mary’s verse” on it - Luke 1:38. “Behold, I am a servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”  This canvas still hangs in my house today. As I have looked at that canvas everyday recently the Lord has asked my heart, “Will you respond with this same kind of surrender as Mary? Will you too live out Mary’s verse?” 

The other day as I was spending time with the Lord, I was led to read from the devotional book, “Streams in the Desert”. That day’s entry could not have been more clearly written to speak to my heart. Go to the July 16 entry if you would like to read the devotion in its entirety. It begins with these verses, “Because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will...make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky...because you have obeyed me.” (Genesis 22:16-18) The first sentence of the devotion after these verses said, “From the time of Abraham, people have been learning that when they obey God’s voice and surrender to Him whatever they hold most precious, He multiplies it thousands of times...The moment of your greatest sacrifice will also be the precise moment of your greatest and most miraculous blessing.” 

The miraculous blessing Marshall and I have been receiving at this point is the way in which God has called us even more into Himself. He has taken our attention from nurseries, showers, registries, baby clothes, and maternity pictures and has fixed our gaze solely on Him. The time and energy we would have spent devoted to these things is now going to prayer times, quiet times, reading scripture, praying with friends, and giving praise to God. The miraculous blessing is more of Him. Our faith is being exercised and our spiritual life is growing. In this we are being richly blessed.

One of the phrases the Lord has placed in my heart regarding Mary is “Life that is truly Life”. That is what was growing inside of her. That is what she birthed. She did not “miss out on life” because of the Lord’s plans for her but she gave birth to Life that is truly Life.  God spoke to my heart one day as I was crying out to Him for Margaret Anne and He said, “Maybe her life was created to give Life that is truly Life. Maybe her birth is to birth something bigger in me and in Marshall and in all who see. Maybe in her life we will take hold of the Life that is truly Life.” 

So as my feeble heart tries to process this very big thing the Lord has called us to walk in, I am comforted by His voice calling me unto Himself. I try to crush Satan’s lies and attempts to discourage by remembering the truth - I am not missing out on “life” by walking this different road. I call to mind Mary and think about the Life that is truly Life. Margaret Anne is serving as a telescope in my life and in the life of all who will look and see the beautiful Life she was created to reflect!

~ Mary Michael

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” - Isaiah 43:19

Sarah - A Woman of Faith

Many of us know the story of Abraham and Sarah. As her husband Abraham faithfully followed God’s calling to a new land, she followed. When God made a promise to Abraham that he would be the Father of many nations it seemed impossible because of their age. But Hebrews 11:11 says, “By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised.” Incredible faith. Incredibly faithful Father. But what I have often found interesting is 1 Peter 3’s words about Sarah. Have you ever read the first part of that chapter stacked with wisdom and goodness for women? 

1 Peter 3:1-7 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Great stuff in there! The curious part to me comes at the end of verse 6. “And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Do good - I understand that part. And do not fear anything that is frightening? That seems like a tall order, especially for a woman! Especially for a mother! It reminds me of the Proverbs 31 woman who “laughs at the time to come”. She is not afraid or fearful of what may happen. What incredible strength. Where does it come from? One commentator suggests that the word “fear” in 1 Peter 3:6 is related to the words used in Proverbs 3:25-26. “Do not be afraid of sudden terror or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” The Lord your God will be your confidence. That is where that strength comes from. Sarah knew the same thing the Proverbs 31 woman knew -the One who holds her “foot” and keeps it from being caught. What incredible faith and trust. I want to have that Sarah faith and trust.

I am by nature a worrier. I am a mom at heart who loves taking care of others and looking out for their best interests (aka worrying about others). By the time I was three I was already “mothering” my poor younger sister, Meg. By 13 I was given the nickname “Mama Mary” by my peers at school. By the age of 26 I had been entrusted with 83 students that I was to mother ;) mentor, guide, and assume a type of guardianship for. However, once I became pregnant I realized that by assuming this “mothering role” I often have a tendency to protect, comfort, and guide out of my own ability or strength rather than point to the Protector, Comforter, and Guide. Early in my pregnancy I found myself constantly worrying about this baby. How could I care for and protect this little one that I couldn’t even see? Was I gaining enough weight? Too much? Eating the wrong things? I constantly worried about having a miscarriage. Then one day while I was running, in the middle of my worry, I heard the Lord speak to my heart. He said,  “If you cannot trust me with this little one who is still unborn, how will you ever trust me with your children once they are born?” That became a turning point for me. Although I still would worry some (and definitely have the last month and a half), those words ring through my heart. If I say I trust Him with my whole life and being, am I living that out and actively choosing to trust Him both with things I have control over and can see, and with those that I don’t have control over and can’t see? Am I trusting Him with my whole life and being, including the one inside of me?

I am learning about trust and submission. At first I was frustrated that God would tell me to trust Him with this little life and then once I did for her to be given such a grim diagnosis. It felt harsh and mean. How could God do that? Slowly He has revealed to me that maybe the trust He wants to teach me about is deeper. It is deeper than circumstances. It is deeper than what medicine can and can’t do or predict. It is deeper than my understanding. It is deeper even than life or death. It is an eternal trust. A heaven-minded trust. A bigger picture trust. It is a Sarah trust. A dear college friend of mine, Britney Moore recently sent me a quote from Rick Warren. “I do not have to know why everything happens, since I know God is good, He loves me, and life on Earth is not the whole story.” Margaret Anne is part of a bigger story. Her life here on Earth is but a mere shadow of the Life for which we are living. As her parents, the most we can do is give her back. We selfishly hope and pray that her life on earth is long and will be spent giving praise and glory to God. However, if her life here is only a few hours or days or even spent just inside of me, we pray that those days will be precious and spent for the sake of the Gospel and the glory of God. I’m not laughing at the time to come yet, but I do have a quiet smile inside. I know who holds my “foot” and Margaret Anne’s.

~Mary Michael

“By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.”
-Hebrews 11:9-10  

Projects = Therapy

For the past two weeks my wonderful, talented, selfless, gift of a man has been helping me work on several projects around our house! Since we have decided to put the nursery on hold for now I needed something to DO. When I sit my mind runs and often not to the most helpful places. For those of you who know me well, some of my favorite things to do are to shop antiques, paint furniture, decorate, and create. I explained to a friend the other day that while I have been grieving and have been in my "hibernation stage" my house has felt dirty, dark, and stagnant. A couple of weeks ago I felt the Lord telling me it was time to fling open the curtains, let the sunshine in, clean up the dust and make it smell good again. Essentially, to bring life back into our home and back into my heart. I have been buzzing around putting plug-ins in the wall, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the furniture and cleaning out the refrigerator. When Marshall and I got married we were fortunate enough to each have several pieces of furniture we could "make work" as we started our new home together. We have still not bought a single piece of furniture for our home (though I have my eye on a beautiful antique vanity I am saving up for) ;) So I got the brilliant idea that it was time to at least make our furniture match / coordinate! Here is a glimpse of some of our pieces we have re-done. We have several more in the works and I will post as soon as we get them all set back up!

Ok so I am not the greatest at taking before pictures so I don't have one for this project. I get so excited to start them that I totally forget! Oops :) This is a little side table in our living room. Marshall's parents originally bought it with several other matching pieces from a garage sale in the 70's! It had been stripped down to the solid wood and we painted it this happy yellow (Arles by Annie Sloan Chalk Paint) and distressed her just a little. We love the finished product!

No before picture for this either. It was a honking old antique mirror my grandmother Joiner gave me. Originally it had this chipping, old gold frame and my grandmother couldn't believe I actually wanted it! Here she is all painted up and distressed (Old White color in Annie Sloan Chalk Paint with dark wax). This will go above my dresser in our bedroom. She is old and beautiful just how I like things!

I will leave you with one before picture I actually remembered to take! Stay tuned for what this greasy old door is becoming. :)

~Mary Michael

 "But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,“Awake, O sleeper and arise from the dead, and Christ will 

Count it all joy...

“It will be my joy to say your will, your way.”

“You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.”

“You give and take away but my heart will choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord.”

These are all lyrics to praise and worship songs I have loved and sang “wholeheartedly” many times. When these words become your reality, when you are asked to give something back to the Lord, something you hold dear, these words take on new meaning. They are painful to sing. They can be painful even to hear. Yet I know as tears choke me and my cracking voice barely whispers these words, they are more real to me than they have ever been before. As my faith is put to the test and my heart is exposed before the Lord, true worship occurs. 

On a day full of anticipation and plans for a celebratory party that evening, we received the news that has shaken us to the core.  As we waited patiently for the doctor to come in after our gender ultrasound, we made our final guesses: boy or girl? My mind was racing with nursery ideas, smocked outfits, monogrammed initials, and baby shower plans. The new doctor we were seeing quickly marched in flipping through her charts and said, “Now who are y’all again? Ah yes. The baby who has prominent ventricles.” My heart stopped. What? Prominent ventricles? No one had told us this before. We had a normal, healthy pregnancy as far as we had been told! What did this mean? As I choked out questions, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. Tears began stinging my eyes. The doctor listed off possibilities for what this could mean for our baby. Down syndrome. Stroke. Hydrocephalus. Trisomy 18. I went to nursing school so I knew the realities of these conditions, especially the last one - Trisomy 18. I remember studying this as clear as day because it was the one condition I was petrified my baby might have one day. It had the most complications and the poorest prognosis. The text books deemed it “incompatible with life.” The room began to spin. She told us that we would be referred to a perinatal specialist in Atlanta and they would try to get us in as quickly as possible. Our day of celebration quickly came to an abrupt crash. Suddenly we were faced with decisions, "Do we still have a gender reveal party with my family? Do we need to put everything on hold until we know more? How do we move forward?"

That night we chose to celebrate. Our incredible nurse practitioner encouraged us by saying, “There is still a life inside of you to celebrate and it is a boy or a girl.” We found out that evening that inside of me is our sweet Margaret Anne. The little girl I have prayed for since I was a little girl. I have had her name picked out for over 15 years. Growing up I have prayed for my future children but she has always been the only one I have prayed for by name. My first daughter was always going to be Margaret Anne. And she is here. Marshall asked me if I still wanted to give my specially chosen name to this sweet little girl. I simply replied, “that is her name.” 

The next day Marshall and I drove to Marietta to meet our new specialist. I cried the whole way into the office. It was a big, fancy speciality center, the kind of wing you see for cancer patients, heart patients, or other serious medical conditions. I was overwhelmed with the fact that this is where we were. Our baby girl needed this kind of speciality care. As our doctor performed our level II ultrasound he showed us the “prominent ventricles” that were actually choroid plexus cysts on her brain. He also pointed out her clenched fists. Both were signs of my biggest fear, Trisomy 18. He explained that 50% of t-18 babies either pass away in utero or are born as stillbirths. The other 50% usually do not live more than a few hours, days, or weeks. As we sat in Dr. Allen’s office discussing our options, it became apparent that many families choose to abort these kind of babies. We quickly assured Dr. Allen that for us that was not an option. We chose to wait for our genetic screening test results to come back before we did any other type of testing. We waited several days for these results to give us a little more clarity. Negative for down syndrome. Negative for cystic fibrosis. Positive for trisomy 18. I grieved all over again. I hurt in ways I did not know I could hurt. We decided to go with an advanced level DNA blood test that is relatively new but considered highly accurate. It is also much less invasive than an amniocentesis or CVS testing. We waited ten days to get these results back and we prayed and prayed and prayed. Marshall spoke to the doctor and delivered the news to me - positive for trisomy 18. Once more I grieved with my whole heart. I felt as though any shred of hope I had left was snatched away. 

None of these tests are considered 100% diagnostic tests. Only an amniocentesis can properly diagnose trisomy 18 in utero. However, with all of these tests giving the same result, the ultrasound confirming it, and the high risk associated with amnio, we feel this is the closest we can come to a diagnosis without endangering our sweet girl more. It does mean we will live the next 3-4 months waiting. Waiting and praying with every breath that we take. Praying for a miracle, praying for some kind of good news, praying for the unthinkable, but also praying that our frail hearts will continue to trust in Christ no matter what the end result may be. Medicine has all but confirmed 100% that our Margaret Anne will indeed have trisomy 18. While we wait and cry and pray and seek to continue moving forward we know that we serve a God who is in the business of defying the odds. He works in the realm of the 1% chance. We trust that He has the power to heal our little girl if He so chooses. As one of our dear pastors from First Presbyterian prayed over our little girl, “Lord we know that you can. We are asking that you would. But we are trusting in your will.” This is the heart cry of our family right now. Just as Jesus prayed in the garden, we ask the Lord to take this cup from us. To take it from our long desired Margaret Anne. But we end it by saying, “Not our will Lord but Your will be done.” 

It will be my joy to say your will, your way.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

~ Mary Michael